So it's now less than one week before my move across the world. It's difficult to tell whether the gravity of the situation hasn't sunk in or if I'm just a cool cat. There's a lot to be missed. Driving, decent breakfasts, sunshine, American girls (even if I don't have game they're still nice to look at!). But the last four months has provided me a hard earned lesson, one which is thankfully coming to an end: plan ahead. Applications take time to be written, read, approved, scores take time to be delivered, letters of reference take time to be penned and sent off. Because of this harsh fact the last 1/3 of a year was spent dormant, waiting. To be frank the most exciting aspect of this move isn't as much living in another culture but rather getting to become a productive citizen again and no longer have to live with family. So from herein my next moves and triple redundant contingency plans will be worked on months in advance.

That said, as of next week one thing which is finally coming to fruition is my deep held desires from life in college. “There's a wide world out there... and it ain't in Tallahassee”, I used to say. Watching certain movies, reading certain publications (any 007 flick, the Atlantic) would make me feel like I was not living life to it's fullest potential. While I utilized Tallahassee nearly to it's full potential, to utilize the world to that end required living somewhere else. Pieces of that world are in south Florida, but not for recent BS grads. South Fla is for the established or the exceedingly well connected. Dalian, China though, that is out there. That's living life.

A former roommate of one of my friends once told me he wanted to live “near the fire”. This was his reason for residing in New York, possibly moving to LA. China is the fire. This isn't necessarily because some people think China will continue a meteoric rise unabated and overtake the US. I've made no secret of my doubts regarding their economy. Rather, when in China you can tell that something big is happening there. The transition of their society is palpable. You can practically taste it in the air (between gasps of industrial exhaust). My term for China is the “Wild, Wild East”. Whatever the future holds, China has 1.3 billion people, and worldwide there are something like 1.1 billion speakers of standard Mandarin. The US needs speakers of their language and citizens who are adept at dealings within China. While Tallahassee was a security bubble for tens of thousands of college kids from South Florida, China is a bed of pulsatingly glowing embers, vociferously consuming what may come it's way. Step back everyone, Nylon's tossing in a Christmas tree.

 
Going too into detail on this one would probably be a mistake. The days of melodramatic sobbing into the world of cyberspace are long past and given the type of blog I'm shooting for here overshare is a constant worry. However, at times a kernel of wisdom is too important to  be passed on. This is actually one I've learned and lived by for years now, but it was illustrated to me in a most surprising manner once again a about thirty minutes ago: Very few people or institutions are ever "on your side". Any rational being or entity is ultimately looking out for his/her/itself. This being the case rational beings or entities are only on your side so long as your interests align. Placing faith in someone or something because you have a gut feeling leaves you susceptible to a cooperate/defect game theoretical outcome in which the other party achieves their goals and you are completely shafted. This is not to say don't trust anybody or anything. Without some degree of trust society would just freeze up and be a terrible place to live. But within trust there is nuance. Similarly, the plans one may lay which rely on trusting a person or institution should be nuanced as well.

What's most unfortunate about the situation is that the more people protect themselves the less trust there is in total. An atmosphere of trust within society is a public good. For instance, two months ago I sold a guitar amplifyer. There was a potential problem with the amp and the gentleman who wished to purchase it had driven up from Miami (60-70 miles). To meet up again was no simple matter. He extended some trust thanks to an initial conciliatory gesture on my part which indicated I possessed a scruple or two and a promise made in good faith not to spend his money until everything had been straightened away. A few days later he called with a plausible story about the condition of the amp, we renegotiated a price both parties considered fair and walked away happy. A modicum of trust enabled David to have an amp of superior quality and saved me the hassle of taking it to a shop and trying to find another buyer. By each of us trusting one another the maximum collective utility of the sale/purchase of the amp was realized. Alas, situations like this are few and far between.

For an honest person there's only one way to deal with such a reality: simply be prepared to get screwed over. Until then operate in good faith, and work under the assumption that the other party will do the same. Hopefully they do to such an extent that eventually the other party's long term interest of continuing the relationship in good faith outweighs any short term misalignment of interest. And if not... well, at least you were ready for it.
 
To start off... facebook is gay. Every time I say something about facebook I have to preface it with that. If you go around talking about "Wow, did you see what so and so said on facebook?" you've pretty much transformed yourself into a 17 year old girl. Nonetheless, it's become a part of our lives and sometimes talking about facebook is unavoidable.

I just spent about a week in Washington DC checking out grad schools. Originally the city was kind of creeping me out. I couldn't figure out what the place was exactly. After a little bit it dawned on me that DC was a really big Tallahassee. Or more accurately, Tallahassee is just a tiny DC. They share many similarities. Capital, many transient residents, purpose built, easy to get out to beautiful places. But ultimately it's just a vibe they both have. The following is something I posted on facebook during a little exchange:

"Every place has an essence, a sort of intangible color. Nashville is as different from New York as West Palm Beach is from San Fransisco. It's not just because of what's housed in those cities. The local zeitgeist transforms into a mood and creates a distinct feeling that emanates from the people, the buildings, even the roads. It's inescapable, like the sickly sweet smell of the Ozarks. You may become accustomed to it, but it will always be there. The problem was that I couldn't seem to see DC's color. But on the mall today I realized the reason why I is because it's so close to that of Tallahassee, which is also the reason why I could see making this my home.

...ok, I just re-read that and I'm definitely turning it into a blog entry."
 
It was a rush that became known to me only, albeit immediately, after high school. After traveling with friends to Bonnaroo there was a whisper, a shout and finally a full throated scream. It was the road, calling me to experience it. I gave in. From Manchester Tennessee I drove to St. Louis. That arch (a damn cool sight as it appears and then disappears over the horizon) was deemed my point of no return. From there I drove to Colorado, and then onward to California. It was a transformative experience, and an addictive one. That trip to California was followed by many others to a host of destinations.

If you've never done so, at some point every American should get in their car and simply drive. You may already be well traveled, but trust me, it's different when you drive. Even when you're not trying to meet people, exceedingly interesting ones are unavoidable. The old trucker with the thick rimmed glasses in Arizona, or the midget named Billy in Dothan (who chain smoked 305s and managed to give me the most amazing shortcut via the shadiest directions). Watching the landscape change gradually from Florida brush pines, to the lush Appalachians, to the garbage known as Kansas, to the dramatic Rockies instills a sense of awe. And while an airplane will get your where you're going quickly it doesn't free you from the strictures of society. You're simply given a full body cavity search and then shuffled into this strange aluminum tube with the rest of the cattle. There's something about a road trip that makes you feel free.

Those experiences were about two chapters ago in my life. Soon, in fact very soon, I will be embarking on yet another chapter. But before that I will once more throw caution to the wind and revel in that magical freedom. This time it's underpinned by an actual purpose. Most unfortunately it's not quite the “throw a bunch of clothes in a garbage bag and drive to New Hampshire” of days past. Now it's actually exceedingly legitimate: checking out fancy grad schools. Yup, the freedom will be enjoyed only under the specter of once again enslaving myself.

But c'est la vie. This trip will soon be followed by international travel, and to non-western cultures at that. As amazing as traveling the States is, while there are distinct cultural differences from region to region, place to place, you always feel kind of at home. It's variations on a theme. That's a good thing in many respects. At the same time, even the best micro-brew will never be Grey Goose. However, no matter what may come in the future, the road trip will always occupy a special place in my heart. I truly hope that anyone who may read this will heed my advice and at some point be able to say the same.
 
 I was sitting in class today looking down at the desk. There was the tiniest bit of inane writing on it. It struck me as to quite how long I've been doing this school thing. The pointless doodle etched into the back of the desk in front of me was exactly the same sort of thing I might have seen better than a decade ago in middle school. The person who put it there this time around wasn't forced to be there by law but they were forced at least by societal norms. Both the person who put the doodle on today's desk and the person who put the doodle on the desk ten years ago in high school were there against there will and bored as shit. Same old song.

What further struck me is how odd it is that I'll be done with it so soon. A few weeks ago I was walking along, giving myself a pep talk. Whenever I do a road trip I psych myself up the following way: "1/5 of the way there, I've only got to do this four more times", "1/4 of the way there, I only have to do that three more times", and so forth. So the pep talk of a few weeks ago was "one more week, and then I'm two weeks from halfway through the semester, but really exam week doesn't count so I'll only be one week away from halfway done by this Friday". A little confusticated, but whatever gets you through. Now I'm a legit two weeks away from my final class. On Thursday of the week after next I will put a scantron on Dr. Jackson's desk, pop my collar, brush my shoulder and walk out of a classroom for the last time. How quickly those few weeks went by.

But really, how quickly FSU went by. It seems like yesterday that I was just getting into the swing of my first semester of classes. TCC today feels like it took a while, but when I graduated from that fine institution it certainly felt as if it went by quickly. It's a little unsettling. All along, I've been cheering this passing of time. Life in Tallahassee has left something to be desired. My saying has been "there's a wide world out there... and it's not in Tallahassee." However, passing of time is passing of time. In a couple of weeks my dues in terms of education will finally have been paid. In a little over a month I'll have used up probably more than a third of my time on the earth (average life expectancy of an American male is 72?). In the blink of an eye I'll be thirty. And then before I know it I'll be old and dead.
 
My theory being addiction is just another word for love, thankfully I haven't ever fallen in love with a substance. I often times, however, have become enamored. Currently I am enamored with Ambien. What makes it better is that this time around I'm not doing anything illegal. In fact, it's called for.

Some background would probably be necessary. This is something I wrote last semester:

In regard to torture, the USSR really had it's ducks in a row. While I haven't studied Soviet torture techniques specifically, the ancillary knowledge from related topics leads me to the belief. Under the second Bush administration, the United States in some ways had it's ducks even more precisely aligned, but in others just had no idea. US torture techniques were the result of quasi scientific analyses utilized by lawyers and sadistic military personnel working in tandem. Some of the stuff used was sincerely on point. And true to the torture techniques of all liberal democracies, no scars! Yet the US ultimately had no idea what it was doing because a) in the western world you can't get a conviction when there's torture involved b) we used the wrong kind of torture.

Case in point is a favorite Soviet tactic: sleep deprivation. It may sound silly, but former Israeli Prime Minister Menachim Begin (I believe it was) who was subjected to it offered up his opinion that the desire for sleep far and away is greater than that for food or water. Quite simply: after three days, you will do anything. Great tactic for extracting false confessions, terrible for extracting military intelligence as we tried to do. Not only did one detainee confess to masterminding almost all recent terrorist attacks, but also confessed to the sun revolving around the earth.

This is the level I'm on. Gitmo detainees would be given roughly four hours in breaks per 24 for months. I have had 1hr of sleep 27 hours ago and in the past 72 hours have had 4 in bits and pieces. Once every couple of weeks I used to get a solid nine hours. But it's been getting progressively getting worse. Tonight was supposed to be my good sleep night. It's not happening. I want to sleep so badly, but just can't. It dawned on me the other day, that by the definition of most, I'm subjecting myself to torture. At the moment I simply go about is if I were drunk. But jf this were being enforced by someone else my mind would be profoundly fucked.


That entry ended talking about an appointment to see a doctor about sleeping medication. I was wracked with the pain of lack of sleep, grasping for reasons why. Hopefully, I pleaded, they might be able to do something for me. Well, this is about six months later. Since then I went to a few appointments. And upon leaving the last of those doctors' offices I found myself with these lovely little white pills which appear to be crafted from only the waftiest of clouds,

The Ambien has saved me. I can sleep. I try to tough it out a few nights here and there, but end up up layng in bed for seven or eight hours, finding that I had been closing in a quasi-sleep like state during the last forty five minutes or so. Other nights though, I ease gently into dreamland and wake eight or nine hours later fresh as a daisy with feminine wash..

Of course, the reason I'm enamored with Ambien is more than just that. Some of the side effects are a change in the way you feel things. There's a certain quality to freshly washed cold bedsheets that there wasn't before. Walking up and cooking a midnight snack I can feel vastly more textures on the kitchen tile floor than I had previously. The sole of my foot sticks to the clean, cool tile ever, ever so slightly. The air seems freshly condensed, with a hint of cucumber. These are only a few, hopefully to give you an overall idea. But my favorite, favorite, favorite one is when you hold your arms over your chest it's a different kind of warmth. It brings a different type of momentary introversion and for that moment you're 6 years old again and safe under your blankee.
 
I recently had an ex-girlfriend de-friend me on facebook. It's a little odd because the whole deal wrapped itself up like two years ago and I had kind of assumed that I was as inconsequential to this person by now as she is to me. So I can't help but analyze it some. The fact that I have a lot of stuff to do and really don't want to do any is contributing to that... a skosh. After employing hard earned skills that I will never use in the real world, I have two views on it. The first is that it's a a good outcome for me, the second that it's notable. How do I come to this conclusion empirically? Game theory.


A facebook de-friend is a serious social faux pas. Here's the reason why.

   - maintaining the facebook friendship takes nothing

   - player 1 de-friending player 2 takes effort

   - player 2 recognizes that it takes effort

   - player 1 recognizes that player 2 recognizes it takes

   - this in turn makes it more costly for player 1 than the simple action of clicking a button


But it's even more intense in this case. I really dislike the bitch at this point, and would assume the feeling is mutual. The particular situation was pretty hard on both parties and isn't the sort of thing you forget. So we'll start from the assumption that neither of us really want to see the other person's picture and status updates and what not. But nobody wants to seem as if the other person was getting to them in any way. A facebook de-friend is a costly action and social faux pas. To utilize it here is kind of a big deal.

Onto the fun part. You might be thinking that I'm mis-reading the situation for some reason. But through game theory I can deduce that I'm absolutely not. Here's what this particular game looks like. I've abbreviated it some, but this is essentially it (see below).
Picture
I'm player one, and she's player two. Where there's an X shows what her best response is given my action. For instance, if my action is “de-friend”, she's better off choosing “maintain” because to “cost of de-friend” is more than the cost of seeing the other person's shit. Or more importantly, if I maintain she's better off maintaining. This is why I know I'm right. In the first box you can see that for two years (maintain, maintain) was the equilibrium. Assuming she plays rationally, that means the cost of de-friending (C) is higher than the cost of seeing the other person online (S), hence the second X I placed in the top right box (de-friend, maintain).

BUT, that's no longer the outcome. The equilibrium has changed. Now the equilibrium is that she de-friended and I maintained. That's the second box. What can this mean? The cost of de-friend has changed for her. The cost of de-friend is (pleasure from not seeing the other person online) - (cost of losing face). One of these two things has changed on her part.

Now, the thing is that if she truly didn't give a shit either way, pleasure from not seeing the other person online should equal 0. The cost of losing face will always equal at least something which would make
(C) negative. Pleasure from not seeing the other person online is essentially (S), though I forgot to write that down. Which would mean that if she truly didn't give a shit, it would never be rational to de-friend.

Dr. Grosser said we would use this stuff in our everyday lives. A dubious assumption for most, but I actually do so all of the time. I have to say though, this has definitely been the most fun application yet.

Down to brass tax. What does this all boil down to? In this game my optimum outcome was achieved. Somehow, I got under her skin more than she did mine. Two years on, the things I said were rough enough to when she my profile online it was difficult for her to some degree, and I cared less. I win.

Too bad game theory was last semester and I couldn't find an analogy pertaining to Emerging Democracy in North East Asia instead.